FADE IN:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM -- AFTERNOON
Everyone is sitting around the large conference table; Scott
is there with Frau Farbissina and others. The sign on the
wall reads 'DE Empire, Inc LTD'
NUMBER TWO
Today is a great day in the annals
of evil. Thanks to Muhammad Assold
Murat de Sade, the world will forget
all about Doctor Evil, and he can
return today and wreak havoc on
mankind. Muhammad why don't you tell
the group all you accomplished this
great feat.
Muhammad Assold Murat de Sade has only one arm and a beard,
big nose and dark glasses.
Muhammad Assold Murat de Sade is a French Arab chemist who
invented the popular leisure drug odyssey commonly called on
the street 'de boss ai maon . Drug Czar Jimmy Straitface
once called Muhammad Assold Murat de Sade 'the worse varmint
to ever graduate from Harvard'
MUHAMMAD ASSOLD MURAT DE SADE
It was very easy, I seeded the clouds
with H9E7, which once inhaled by
everyone causes them to forget all
about Doctor Evil. Of course we all
took the antidote before we released
the chemical. Doctor Evil is a Free
Man, thanks to me. As long as no one
drinks 3 ounces of V8 juice and 6
ounces of beer no one will remember
Doctor Evil.
(Speaking in broken
French Middle Eastern
accent.)
NUMBER TWO
Thank you Muhammad, Carl, signal
Doctor Evil its time to return.
Carl takes out his Evil Cell Phone and calls Doctor Evil.
FADE OUT:
EXT. SPACE DOCTOR EVILS' SPACE SHIP RETURNS TO EARTH --
EVENING
Doctor Evil returns to earth on the bumpy ride back to earth.
FADE OUT:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM -- DAY
Doctor Evil walks into the Board room waving his hands,
everyone is there Mini-Me, Scot, Frau Farbissina, Number
Two, Fat Bastard, Muhammad and others.
DOCTOR EVIL
Please stay seated. Thanks to
Muhammad and Number Two I am back
ready to do evil and now my plans
are,
Interrupted by Number Two.
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil, we acknowledge what a
great evil man you are, in fact the
world has never witness a greater
evil than you. But times have changed,
the fact is your organization DE's
Empire is very wealthy now, but
knowing you need to do evil I have a
suggestion, may I stand?
Looking at Doctor Evil who has his hands on the 'buttons'
DOCTOR EVIL
OK, if you must!
Number Two stands up looking at Doctor Evil's hands.
NUMBER TWO
We own a great many assets, for
example we own a mattress factory
outside Cleveland. We make a decent
profit, but you could close the
factory move it to Mexico, replacing
all 500 employees and we could double
our profit!
DOCTOR EVIL
But what if we got caught?
(Looking Confused.)
NUMBER TWO
We did nothing wrong, but you would
have the great pleasure of taking
away 500 peoples jobs! Many will not
find other work and they will loose
their houses when the bank forecloses.
Doctor Evil Smiles.
DOCTOR EVIL
I like it, tell me more!
Frau Farbissina jumps up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
FRAU FARBISSINA
Now Wait! We own the bank that has
the mortgage , we would be shooting
ourselves in the foot!
Doctor Evil slams his fist on the table.
DOCTOR EVIL
Damn What's an Evil person to do?
NUMBER TWO
Well Doctor Evil that's the price
you pay for being the second richest
person in the world.
(Doctor Evil looks
angry)
DOCTOR EVIL
What?
After a beat
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
Who is the richest?
CLOSE-UP OF NUMBER TWO
NUMBER TWO
Phil Rates Founder of Microhard
Software.
CLOSE-UP OF DOCTOR EVIL
DOCTOR EVIL
Phil Rates!
NUMBER TWO
Yes Doctor Evil, sometimes I forget
about you being in and out of current
events, but Phil Rates started
Microhard Software while you were
frozen in space, today Microhard
Software is used by 99% of all
computers in the world.
DOCTOR EVIL
Yes this in and out can really screw
you up. Ok lets kill Phil Rates!
(angrily)
NUMBER TWO
Wait Doctor Evil, even you can't
kill Phil Rates!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
SCOTT EVIL
Hey if you did, that would be so
cool, like you would become a hero
of all the world, everyone hates
Phil Rates and Microhard.
Everyone in the room says" yes"
Number Two looks like he has an idea
NUMBER TWO
You know Scott may be on to something.
We won't kill him we will just kill
his business. Suppose we announce we
are going to release a new Computer
operating system called Dresser 2004!
DOCTOR EVIL
So are we going to create this
'Operating System?'
(Using both hands to
make a quote)
NUMBER TWO
No, we only say we have created it,
we can start rumors on the Internet
hell we can even have the operating
system reviewed by the press. Muhammad
can you create a chemical that will
allow us to convince technical
reviewers that they have tried the
operating system?
MUHAMMAD ASSOLD MURAT DE SADE
Of course I can.
DOCTOR EVIL
I still don't understand!
(with a puzzled look
on his face)
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil what we'll do is buy a
lot of Microhard stock then a few
weeks later when you announce that
we have a brand-new operating system
Dresser 2004. We will sell all our
stock and the stock price will drop.
Then we will turn the operating system
over to the reviewers who will put
in a good review then the stock prices
will drop more. Then Doctor Evil,
people will think you saved the world
by ridding the world of Microhard.
You become a kinder more gentler
Evil person.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
SCOTT EVIL
Yep, like a compassionate Evil dude!
Doctor Evil still has a confused look on his face that slowly
becomes a smile.
DISSOLVE TO: OPENING CREDITS
FADE IN:
INT. M1 HEADQUARTERS -- DAY
Austin Powers is walking into Basil Exposition Office at M1.
AUSTIN POWERS
So Basil, like what's so important
that you had to see me right now?
Hey wait right now was then, so now
is when, can you dig it, there is no
'right now'
Basil sets down behind his desk and motions for Austin to
sit down.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Now Austin you know you are one of
our best agents?
AUSTIN POWERS
Like wow so I am finally getting the
top spy of the month award, I mean
you didn't really.
Basil waves his hands in the air.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Now Austin let me finish. You know
its very important that we all follow
all the rules here.
Austin interrupts Basil.
AUSTIN POWERS
That was a legitimate expense, like
I was interrogating that chick, I
just did the interrogating in the
bed, I mean
(Looking very defensive)
Basil again interrupts Austin.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Now Austin you've got to let me
finish.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
BASIL EXPOSITION (CONT'D)
(Angrily)
Because of all these years you were
frozen it turns out you're now well
over the mandatory retirement age.
So I am afraid this will be your
last day. You need to clean out
your desk and leave, and please turn
all you keys and secret codes to
Roger on your way out.
AUSTIN POWERS
You've got to be kidding!
(Shocked)
What am I going to do now?
Basil gets up and comes over to Austin and puts his hand on
his shoulder.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin, I envy you. Now you will
have all kind of time for the ladi,
I mean Chicks. You can travel, maybe
even settle down. Come on I'll help
you clean out your desk.
Both Austin and Basil get up and leave the office.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE HUMPING TO PLEASE LINGERIE SHOP -- DAY
Austin enter the 'Humping to Please Lingerie Shop. It is a
small shop in a busy business district. A sign in the window
reads 'All our models are Humping to Please, discreet
Billing'.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE HUMPING TO PLEASE LINGERIE SHOP -- DAY
There is a small waiting area with a counter to the right.
There are eight curtains leading out of the waiting area.
The room is dimly lit with a reddish glow. Austin goes up
to the counter. He is very depressed. A heavyset woman
approaches.
AUSTIN POWERS
Is Judy in?
STORE CLERK 1
Who?
AUSTIN POWERS
Judy Putsout!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
STORE CLERK 1
Hold on, Putsout, a man wants you!
(yelling to her back)
Judy comes from behind the curtain wearing a scantily clad
lingerie.
JUDY PUTSOUT
Austin you look terrible. What's
wrong?
AUSTIN POWERS
They canned be baby. I feel awful.
Can we go to my pad now?
JUDY PUTSOUT
Now?
A beat
JUDY PUTSOUT (CONT'D)
OK, Marge I am gone for today. Tell
Gladis.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE HUMPING TO PLEASE LINGERIE SHOP -- DAY
Austin and Judy leave the shop. The sight of Judy causes
automobile wrecks and pedestrians to bump into each other as
they stare at Judy.
CUT TO:
INT. AUSTIN'S PAD WITH JUDY PUTSOUT -- AFTERNOON
Austin is setting on the sofa with Judy Putsout who is trying
to comfort Austin.
AUSTIN POWERS
Like Judy, I don't know what I am
going to do now, being a spy was the
only thing I was really good at.
JUDY PUTSOUT
Come on Austin, there is something
else you are good at, I mean why
don't you write a book about chicks,
you're pretty good with them.
Austin jumps up.
AUSTIN POWERS
That's it, I'll write a book titled.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
'How to Really Pickup, Really Horny
Chicks who will Shag Your Brains
Out'
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM DAY
Everyone is sitting around the table in the board room.
Doctor Evil enters waving his hands.
DOCTOR EVIL
Please everyone remain seated.
Doctor Evil Walks to the head of the table.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
I've been doing some investigation
about Microhard and with Scott's
help, Scott! Where is Scott. Look
I gave instructions for everyone to
be here at 9:00 AM sharp, I arrive
at 9:30 and I expect to see everyone
here. Scott!
(yelling)
OK he's in big trouble this time,
I'll send him to the torture chamber
for three days. Scott!
FRAU FARBISSINA
Now, he is only a teenager.
DOCTOR EVIL
I don't care, when I was a teenager
I was foreclosing on widows property,
I had orphans working 16 hours a day
in my father's factory. Scott!
Scott comes into the room as if he has been a sleep stretches
his arms.
SCOTT EVIL
Don't holler, what's the big deal?
DOCTOR EVIL
Young man you're late.
SCOTT EVIL
You're full of,
DOCTOR EVIL
Watch what you say. I told you to
be here at the meeting at 9:00 its
9:30 so what do you have to say for
yourself?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
Scott walks over to Doctor Evil.
SCOTT EVIL
Like it's only 8:30 and you're crazy
look at my watch.
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil,
I don't think Scott knew about
Daylight Saving Time, remember he
was raised in Arizona and they don't
have Daylight Saving Time.
Doctor Evil looks at Scott's watch and motions for him to
set down. Doctor Evil looks a little confused.
DOCTOR EVIL
Why Not?
NUMBER TWO
I believe the state legislature feels
it would be the federal government
controlling them and they're against
that.
DOCTOR EVIL
So the rest of the frigging country
is on daylight saving time and Arizona
isn't! That's crazy.
NUMBER TWO
Well actually Indiana isn't on
daylight saving time either or that
is most of Indiana isn't on daylight
saving time, some of the city's in
Northern Indiana and Southern Indiana
are on daylight saving time.
DOCTOR EVIL
Wait a minute that's insane how does
anyone in Indiana know what time it
is? -
Why isn't Indiana on daylight saving
time?
NUMBER TWO
Well I guess the farmers feel corn
won't grow in daylight saving time.
DOCTOR EVIL
Who cares about corn.
NUMBER TWO
Well actually Doctor Evil we own 10,
000 acres,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
Frau Farbissina whispers in Number Two's ears.
NUMBER TWO
Make that 10,500 acres of corn fields
in Indiana. We just bought some
foreclosed family farm yesterday.
DOCTOR EVIL
So we are growing corn in Indiana?
NUMBER TWO
No we don't growth the corn we just
have corn fields, the federal
government pays us a subsidy not to
grow corn. Last year we got about
$2 million which we use to buy more
foreclosed family farms.
DOCTOR EVIL
The world has gone mad, and they
call me evil!
Scott starts to get up from his chair.
SCOTT EVIL
Do I need to stay for this?
DOCTOR EVIL
Set down, we are here to talk about
Microhard. I can't believe people
use their operating system. It
crashes all the time, I can't watch
movies and write a letter at the
same time without getting a blue
screen. If you call Microhard for
support, they put you on hold forever
and then they blame the word processor
that they created for crashing the
operating system. Its nuts.
Everyone agrees by nodding their head.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
So I have decided that instead of
just telling people we have built a
better operating system, we will
really build one, now what we,
Number Two interrupts him
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil how are we going to create
an operating system?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
SCOTT EVIL
That's the cool part! We borrow
some of Microhard's software engineers
and make them an offer they can't
refuse!
DOCTOR EVIL
Scott are you at the head of the
table? I don't think so. Now when
you are at the head of this table
you can answer the questions.
Understand!
Scott Lowers his head.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
Now Number Two, what we are going to
do is, well lets see, OK Scott you
tell em.'
Scott stands up with a gleam in his eyes.
SCOTT EVIL
Like thanks already!, This is so
cool. Here's the deal, every year
Microhard rents a yacht and takes
all there senior software engineers
on an all day cruise in the Puget
Sound. Like I understand everyone
gets real loaded. All we do is nap
some of the best ones.
NUMBER TWO
But how are we going to nap them?
Doctor Evil stands up looking upset.
DOCTOR EVIL
Look I am just the leader, I don't
need to provide all the details,
beside anyone who can get money from
the government for not planting corn
can I am sure figure out how to pull
off this simple caper.
Number Two writes some stuff down in his PAD.
CUT TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- MORNING
Inside Phil Rates very large Office, Phil is pacing the floor.
Steve Ballsher is Trying to calm him down, The Office has a
faked window that keeps changing outside scenes, it is some
type of prototype 'Living Adjustment Enhancer' that Phil has
patented.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
PHIL RATES
Do I have to go on this damn staff
cruise? Hell I don't like those
programmers anyway?
STEVE BALLSER
Look Phil we go through this every
year. I know you don't like them, I
don't like them either, but one day
a year we need to treat them like
kings.
PHIL RATES
But all they talk about is bits and
bytes. Hell don't they have a life?
STEVE BALLSER
Well maybe if you didn't make them
work 75 hours a week they could talk
about something else.
PHIL RATES
What?
STEVE BALLSER
Never mind, let's go on the cruise
and don't try to pickup any of the
women this year, I think Janet has a
spy on board.
PHIL RATES
Janet?
STEVE BALLSER
Your wife!, Phil I don't want to
have to pay another two million
dollars to her like I did last year.
Put the receiver in your ear, so you
can know who to give the bonus checks
out to.
Phil takes the ear receiver from Steve and puts it in his
ear
PHIL RATES
I just hope no one falls off the
boat this year.
STEVE BALLSER
Don't worry Phil, I've hired a new
security company. They will have
three boats following us. They are
also tough enough to stop any pictures
from being taken by the press.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
I don't want to have to pay a lot of
money again this year to destroy the
pictures. Here are the bonus
envelopes.
Steve hands the envelopes to Phil.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. THE BOAT DOCK -- MORNING
Phil and Steve are walking to the boat dock to board the
yacht. They stop at the gang plank.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil I would like you to meet our
new security team.
Steve takes a two way radio out of his pocket and speaks
into it. A very large shadow starts walking toward the two
men. The shadow gets closer it is Fat Bastard AKA Halsey
Harland.
HALSEY HARLAND
Top of the morning gents. How are
you Mr. Steve?
STEVE BALLSER
Halsey Harland this is Microhard
founder and CEO Phil Rates.
Halsey Harland shakes hands with Phil.
HALSEY HARLAND
Mr. Phil, sir it is my pleasure to
meet you on this grand morning. And
don't you be worrying about the press,
if we see any of those scoundrel we
will Kill them all.
PHIL RATES
What?
HALSEY HARLAND
That is to say sir, we will separate
them from any information and pictures
they may have. Yes sir its a pleasure
to defend Microhard. The SSS will
be taking care of you.
Phil looks shocked.
PHIL RATES
What?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
HALSEY HARLAND
The Scottish Security Service! If
we can't do it no one can. Top of
the morning to you both, have a great
cruise.
Halsey goes around the the gang plank and gets into a smaller
boat. Phil and Steve get on the yacht. Steve gets out his
walkie-talkie.
STEVE BALLSER
Ok control, open the public gate.
(speaking into the
radio)
A group of about 25-50 screaming females come running down
the barricaded area. Some carry signs saying " Damn it,
Janet is a slut. Dump her take me." And " I want Phil, to
father my child" and "Take me, I'm great in bed" Some of the
women are throwing their panties at the boat. The guards
have a hard time holding back the crowd as the software
engineers come up the gang plank. Phil is watching the whole
episode with delight.
PHIL RATES
I want the little blond in the blue
dress.
Steve looks very upset.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil !
PHIL RATES
Steve you know Janet is just a gold
digging slut. Look just make it
happen! Tell everyone we have hired
her as my personal server today.
CUT TO:
EXT. ON THE YACHT DAY
One at a time the software engineers go up to Phil to shake
his hand and receive their bonus check. Steve makes sure
each engineer spends no more than five minutes with Phil.
One slightly over weight man with a short beard and dirty
tee shirt that has a scantily clad woman on it approaches.
PHIL RATES
Calvin Brewer, I am so glad to see
someone I really know. How long
have you been working for me now, is
it 20 years?
(Shaking hands with
Calvin)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
CALVIN BREWER
Yep it will be 20 years next March.
It's a long way from your garage?
What did you think about 'The Forward
Pass?
(lowering his voice
as he spoke)
I mean that will keep us on top for
another 20 years once we perfect it.
Phil moves closer to Calvin.
PHIL RATES
I think its the best idea you ever
had. I know the bios will be able
to support it within the next two
years. I was talking to Ray about
it the other day.
Handing Calvin his envelope.
PHIL RATES (CONT'D)
Everyone knows there would not be a
Microhard if it wasn't for the work
that you, Benedick and Dean did.
And don't go and try to buy into
another major league team this year.
Save some of the money!
CALVIN BREWER
And Phil, thanks for the million you
donated to The Alliance for Intercity
Teens. I know the kids would like
to thank you.
Turning to Calvin.
PHIL RATES
I am glad I could help. Enjoy the
cruise.
Calvin leaves.
CUT TO:
EXT. ON THE YACHT DAY
A security guard takes notice of what was said. He has an
earphone on and is taking notes.
CUT TO:
EXT. ON THE YACHT DAY
After Calvin leaves Phil turns to Steve.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
PHIL RATES
I can't believe how dumb Calvin is.
Hell he could ask for one million
dollars a year, and It would still
be under paying him. What a schmuck.
And those loser kids he works with.
Well at least we get a tax write
off.
STEVE BALLSER
I know, I wouldn't be surprised if
he isn't into this teen thing just
to pickup someone. I can see it
now, we will need to spend all kinds
of money to beat the Statutory Rape
laws. I mean god can you see anyone
going to bed with him? Oh well at
least the other two don't hang out
with the undeserving poor.
Steve motions for the next person to come up It's Benedick
Fairfax, A skinny nerd with a shit eating grin on his face.
PHIL RATES
Benedick, I was just telling Steve
how glad I was that I would get to
see you.
BENEDICK FAIRFAX
Yea, I mean, I kind of enjoy the
cruises, Hope we have better food
than last year.
(Looking lost)
Let's see what was I going to ask
you, Wait a minute I remember, OK
yea ugh oh what did you think about
'The Forward Pass?'
PHIL RATES
Its great, you guys have done it
again.
(Whispering in
Benedick's ear)
And I am sure this will speak for
its self.
Handing Benedick the bonus envelope. Benedick opens and
takes out the check and looks confused.
BENEDICK FAIRFAX
Now what's this for, oh yea the work
I did, Hay thanks a lot. Have you
seen Joyce.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
STEVE BALLSER
Now Benedick, let's not be whipping
anything out this year. Keep the
python in its cage. Or at least
wait until she has had a couple of
drinks, OK?
Patting Benedick on the back. Benedick nods his head and
leaves.
PHIL RATES
I mean Benedick so creepy, his brains
are fried. I don't know how he gets
any thing done at work.
(Looking at Steve)
STEVE BALLSER
What to you expect? After all he
did over do it a bit. You know what
he has done to himself?
A Beat
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
16 hours a day in front of a PC will
do that to anyone.
Someone with a shy look on his face approaches.
PHIL RATES
Dean, good to see you again, how are
you?
DEAN AINSWORTH
Ok
STEVE BALLSER
You had another great year. Phil
has something for you.
(Turning to Phil)
PHIL RATES
Dean, thanks for your hard work.
He hands Dean the envelope.
DEAN AINSWORTH
Ok, thanks.
Dean walks away.
PHIL RATES
Have you ever met anyone as
introverted as Dean? I don't think
I have heard him say more then ten
words? Oh well I am sure glad we
keep them insured!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18.
STEVE BALLSER
Yep, I wish we could get more then
10 million dollars for each of the
Key employees, but it would raise
the red flag. Anyway 'The Forward
Pass' will keep us in business for
another 20 years.
Phil looks over the yacht and the people on it, like a King
looking over his kingdom.
PHIL RATES
Yes it will kick ANL's butt they
don't even know 'The Forward Pass'
was their idea, or at least Sally
Swinger's idea.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil, shut up, the walls may have
ears, remember they are still looking
for her.
Phil and Steve leave the area they are in walking toward the
bar.
CU OF AREA WHERE THEY ARE STANDING. WE SEE A MCI BUG.
CUT TO:
EXT. ON THE YACHT DAY
An explosion is heard. There is lots of smoke. Two security
guards grab Phil and Steve and take them to one side of the
boat where they disembark for a smaller boat that has just
pulled up. There is pandemonium everywhere. Two other guards
grab Calvin, Benedick, and Dean spraying something in their
face.. Then they are thrown overboard.
EXT. IN THE WATER DAY
Calvin, Benedick and Dean are descending into the water.
They are unconscious. A very small submarine moves toward
them. The submarine doors open and someone pulls them inside.
CUT TO:
EXT. ON THE YACHT DAY
Everyone is panicked. People are diving off the boat as
the boat PA announces. 'Off the boat. It's going to blow!'
The three security boats are joined by four other boats
pulling folks from the water. As the last person is pulled
from the water all the rescue boats race to get away from
the stricken yacht before it blows up. The yacht is ablaze
and explodes.
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
EXT. HALSEY HARLAND'S SECURITY BOAT DAY
Halsey has a walkie-talkie and his belting out orders as he
walks toward Phil and Steve.
STEVE BALLSER
What the hell happen.
HALSEY HARLAND
Hold on sir!.
A beat
HALSEY HARLAND (CONT'D)
The engine blew, and that set fire
in the engine room. Hold on.
(As he talks in the
walkie-talkie)
I don't care. I want a count and I
want it now!
(Turning back to Steve)
I think we have picked-up everyone,
I'll know in a minute.
PHIL RATES
How could you know some of the people
were picked-up be the other boats?
HALSEY HARLAND
Those were our extra boats Mr. Phil.
Hold on.
STEVE BALLSER
But I thought I only paid for three
security boats.
HALSEY HARLAND
That you did, But I always have
backups, just in case. Hold on
please.
Halsey is talking into the walkie-talkie. He is upset.
HALSEY HARLAND (CONT'D)
I have some bad news. There are
three people missing. I'll have
their names shortly.
A beat
HALSEY HARLAND (CONT'D)
Are the divers looking!
(Into the walkie-talkie)
OK I understand.
A beat
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
HALSEY HARLAND (CONT'D)
I am afraid I have some very bad
news. The three are Calvin Brewer ,
Benedick Fairfax, and Dean
Ainsworth. It looks like we lost
them.
Turning to Steve and Phil.
STEVE BALLSER
My God, are you sure?
HALSEY HARLAND
Yes Sir!
PHIL RATES
Halsey don't worry, you did everything
you could. I need to ask you, and
don't think I am cold. Can we keep
this quite for awhile? I mean I can
control the people who work for me,
can you keep your people from saying
anything?
HALSEY HARLAND
Not to worry, no one will say
anything. You can count on me Sir.
(With a somber look
on his face)
PHIL RATES
Steve you need to get a press release
out saying everyone was rescued.
And get aboard each boat to control
our people. Can we get Steve to
each of the other boats.
(Turning to Halsey)
HALSEY HARLAND
Consider it done.
PHIL RATES
Ok everyone lets get to work!
Steve starts making phone calls on his secure cell phone.
Halsey turns and the looks on his face turns into a smile
once he is out of site of Steve and Phil. The boat they are
on move closer to another boat. Halsey walks passed the
lady with the blond hair and blue dress and winks at her as
she goes below to get out of site. Steve gets on another
boat still talking on his cell phone as the boat that Phil
is on moves closer to shore.
DISSOLVE TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM DAY
Everyone is seated in the board room. Doctor Evil enters
the room waving his hands.
DOCTOR EVIL
Please stay seated.
Some of the people around the table shake their heads as
they look down so as not to be seen by Doctor Evil. Doctor
Evil takes is place at the head of the table. Number Two
hands Doctor Evil a report of the events of yesterday on the
yacht. Doctor Evil reads the report in record time smiling
as he reads each page.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
I Can't believe it! Phil Rates
kidnaped Sally Swinger from ANL.
That's terrible!
Number Two coughs.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
What we it was for the better good.
Is everyone OK?
NUMBER TWO
Yes, they all think they have been
working for us forever. I have moved
300 computer programmers from other
operations to help create our new
operating system. The latest estimate
is it will take another four weeks.
In three weeks we will leak the story
that three senior software engineers
were lost in the accident to the
press. Then the following day you
will unveil Dresser 2004 at the annual
Microhard Haters Conference. We
will dump all our microhard stock
the next day.
Doctor Evil is looking around the table.
SCOTT EVIL
Yea, you know that Benedick Fairfax
invented Pac Man when he was 12 years
old?
(looking at Doctor
Evil)
DOCTOR EVIL
What's a Pac Man?
Doctor Evil has a very confused look on his face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
SCOTT EVIL
On man, you see that's what I am
talking about. Why can't you be
normal like other kids dads. Frank's
dad was Pac Man champion in 82!
Doctor Evil is upset.
DOCTOR EVIL
What the hell is a Pac Man?
(turning to Number
Two)
NUMBER TWO
You know what pinball is?
DOCTOR EVIL
Of course, when I was a kid, I
invented a slog nickel, it had a
wire on it. One night I 'broke the
bank' at the Truck Stop., So is Pac
Man like that, cost a nickel?
NUMBER TWO
Well I believe it cost a quarter
back in the 80's, but it was a game,
kind of like pinball. The object of
the game was to eat all stuff, before
you were gobble up.
DOCTOR EVIL
Ok, I want a Pac Man game here today!
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil, the games are almost
antique, and they will cost a lot of
money. Are you sure you want one.
DOCTOR EVIL
Number two, how much do I pay you?
NUMBER TWO
Let's see, my salary is $900,000.00
a year.
DOCTOR EVIL
Yes but I paid you over fifty million
dollars last year! So where did the
other money come from?
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil, that's just the standard
compensation package, bonus's, stock
options, no interest, never need to
repay executive loans, that sort of
stuff.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
DOCTOR EVIL
Well I believe you can afford to buy
me a Pac Man game! Scott
(turning to Scoot)
I challenge you to a game in the
morning.
SCOTT EVIL
Cool!
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM DAY
Everyone except Doctor Evil and Scott are seated at the table.
Scott enters followed by Doctor Evil
SCOTT EVIL
Everyone, it was awesome! His score
was 3,333,360 ! A perfect score!
Like No one ever scored 3,333,360 .
(Addressing the
assembled group)
That was so Cool!
(Turning to Doctor
Evil)
The two take there seats at the table.
Doctor Evil Stands and Looks around the table.
DOCTOR EVIL
No wonder the world is in such a bad
shape. That Pac Man game would make
any kid bad, it teaches violence to
young kids. I'm glad to see the
game is no longer around. Teaching
all the evil could create very evil
people. I mean I can't stand too
much competition.
NUMBER TWO
Well Doctor Evil today's games make
Pac Man look like a Sunday School
Lesson. There is realistic blood,
Sex and Death and Mutilation, that
sort of thing.
Doctor Evil looks at Number Two with a discussed look on his
face.
DOCTOR EVIL
I mean what moron would create such
games for kids? That's insane
Number Two Interrupts Him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
NUMBER TWO
Well Actually Doctor Evil we own the
company that creates the most violence
games. The company earns us a
fortune. Our research shows that
the mature action packed, which as
you know is the same as saying
violence - evil games are played by
unsuspecting kids as young as ten
years old. So we know they will be
our customers for many years to come.
But you shouldn't worry about someone
as Evil as you, I mean you are the
top dog, uno numero, the big cheese.
Doctor Evil tries to say something.
NUMBER TWO (CONT'D)
The Chairman of the board, the Big
Kahuna, the Top Dog, De Man, die
Numerus eine, The Big Boss, The Top
of the heap.
DOCTOR EVIL
All right enough of this! Number
Two please bring us up to date.
NUMBER TWO
Well Doctor Evil, The annual meeting
of International Microhard Hater's
Association is next week. You are a
secret Guest. You will stun the
world by announcing a new Operating
System that will be released soon.
Doctor Evil you will become the hero
of the group.
Doctor Evil seems pleased.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- AFTERNOON
Phil is setting at his desk looking this way then the other
way. He has a board look on his face. Steve comes into the
office.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil.
Phil ignores Steve.
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
Phil!
Phil looks at Steve.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
PHIL RATES
Yes what's up.
Steve comes around Phil's large desk close to Phil.
STEVE BALLSER
Something is up at the annual meeting
of International Microhard Hater's
Association next week. The Keynote
speaker is a secret. But those ass
holes are getting the press to attend.
I don't understand.
Phil shakes his head.
PHIL RATES
Look Steve, let them make fools of
themselves, look what are they going
to do tell the world they have
acquired a majority of the stock?
Relax I'm worried about those SOB's
at the Justice Department, I thought
after the election things would be
different.
STEVE BALLSER
Don't worry about them, you know you
gave the Attorney General's brother
that big contract. They are not
going to bother us any more. But I
don't know about the idiots who will
meet next week.
PHIL RATES
Let them have their seven minutes of
fame. Beside in a few years I will
control everything.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. A LARGE MEETING HALL -- DAY
A large hall with a few hundred people. There are signs on
the Wall that read' Microhard Software Sucks' Phil Rates is
the Devil' " Boycott Microhard' Someone on the speaker stand
is bring the meeting to order.
SPEAKER1
Welcome to the annual meeting of
International Microhard Hater's
Association. It is so good to see
everyone. I know after you hear our
surprise guess speaker you will know
that our prayers have been answered.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26.
SPEAKER1 (CONT'D)
And so I call to order this the
fifteen annual meeting of
International Microhard Hater's
Association.
Cheers from the crowd!
SPEAKER1 (CONT'D)
Now it is my pleasure to introduce
you to our President and founder
Nathan Zusman.
More Cheers.
NATHAN ZUSMAN
Thank you. Thank you. And Thank
you Tommy for that great introduction.
(pause)
Are you ready to see the destruction
of Microhard?
The crowd shouts back Yes
NATHAN ZUSMAN (CONT'D)
I can't hear you.
The crowd shouts louder.
NATHAN ZUSMAN (CONT'D)
That's better. Today it is my
pleasure to introduce you to a great
and good man. A man who unlike the
other chickens and cowards has decided
to take on Rates and his bug ridden
software. A man who at great cost
and sacrifice will change the world
and I know become a hero to everyone.
I am pleased to introduce you to our
new friend and benefactor. Doctor
Evil.
The crowd yells its approval. Doctor Evil goes up to the
podium and waves his hands around.
DOCTOR EVIL
Please stay seated. Thank you. Yes
thank you very much. OK
(pause)
You know it was just recently that I
tried to use a computer. Well What
do you think happen? It locked up.
It didn't work. So I called the
folks at Microhard Support, after it
took me an hour to find a phone number
to call.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
Well after they took my fifty dollars
they told me it was the
(making a quotation
mark with his hands)
Computer. The Computer. Well it
turns out I make the computer and
well the computer is find, the problem
is that Microhard's Operating System
Sucks!
The crowd yells its approval.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
So I turned to Number Two, he's second
in command, and told him let's
build an Operating System that works!
More yells.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
Number Two who usually agrees with
what I say, tells me no one can
compete with Phil Rates, the richest
man in the world. Well I am not the
richest man in the world but I am
not the dumbest man either. I tell
Number Two let's build a better
Operating System. And friends I am
here today to tell you that in a few
weeks I am releasing a new operating
system that will work and run all
the software you are currently
running. The Operating System is
called Dresser 2004!
More yells from the crowd!
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
So what do you think I should charge
for an Operating System that actually
works? $299.00 well that's what
Phil Rates charges. No, I say No,
not $299.00 what would you say if I
told you we are to sell Dresser 2004
for $199.00?
More yells from the crowd.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
But wait a minute I wanted to
something really big. So if you
order now you will not have to pay
$199.00. How does $99.00 sound?
The crowd yells Yes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
OK, No I can do better than that.
Anyone who places an order within
the next 7 days can receive Dresser
2004 which will retail for only
$199.00 for
(pause)
Now listen up. Only $49.99. That's
right $49.99 make your check out to
DE Empire and I'll even pay shipping
and handling. Mail your check to me
Doctor Evil, Tucson AZ and I'll see
that you will be the first to receive
this new Operating System. It comes
with a money back Guarantee.
The crowd goes crazy.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
And now here is the commercial that
we will run on prime time on all
network and cable channels on Thursday
night.
The house lights dim and an image is displayed on the screen.
Doctor Evil waves and leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. A HOME OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
A man is setting in front of his computer typing something.
He looks upset as he his moving his mouse around. HE bangs
his hand into the table.
VOICE OVER
We all know the 99% of the worlds
computers use Microhard's Operating
System. We all know of the
frustration we feel when the Operating
System crashes, or nothing seems to
work.
The man picks up the phone and pounds a number.
VOICE2
Your approximate time on hold will
be 2 hours.
The man throws the phone to the floor.
VOICE OVER
What you may not know is the software
that powers your Television is also
made by the incompetent people at
Microhard.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29.
VOICE OVER (CONT'D)
Not only that, they make the software
that powers your microwave and coffee
maker.
(pause)
But after all these years of
frustration with software that never
works there is finally hope.
A light beam from space shines on the man and his computer.
VOICE OVER (CONT'D)
Doctor Evil has created a new
Operating System that will change
the way you work. An Operating System
that works, the first time and every
time. 24/7 support with software
engineers who will answer your call
within 60 seconds.
The screen on the computer changes to the Dresser 2004 desk
top.
VOICE OVER (CONT'D)
Best of all this new Operating System,
Dresser 2004 cost only $199.00 But
if you order now you can receive
Dresser 2004 for only $49.99. That's
right $49.99. Make your check out
to DE Empire and mail today to Doctor
Evil Tucson AZ.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- LATER
Phil Rate is banging his hand on his desk. Steve is in the
office.
PHIL RATES
What the hell is going on. How could
anyone develop an Operating System
and no one here knew anything about
it? Who is this Doctor Evil?
STEVE BALLSER
Look Phil I am upset too. I am trying
to find out. Calm down.
Someone comes barging into Phil's Office.
PHIL RATES
Counter what do you want.
B COUNTER
The stock just dropped 30%. Someone
just dumped a large block of stock.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30.
B throws some papers on Phil's desk.
STEVE BALLSER
That's just great. Look Phil I've
got as much, more to loose than you.
I am not going back to selling used
cars!
(pause)
B why are you still in room you are
just the old CFO and CFO's are a
dime a dozen these days, that is if
they are not all in prison.
B COUNTER
Do you want to buy more stock.
PHIL RATES
Yes
STEVE BALLSER
No, Phil let's wait and see what
happens. We have a large payment
due the banks next week. We had
better hold on the cash we have.
PHIL RATES
OK
B leaves the room as another man bumps into him as he enters
the office.
DICK DICKSON
You sent for me.
Phil looks up at Dick and then at Steve.
PHIL RATES
Who the hell is that?
STEVE BALLSER
That's Dick Dickson VP of security.
(pause)
Dick what do you know about this
Doctor Evil?
DICK DICKSON
Nothing! No one can find any
information about Doctor Evil, but
DE Empire is a very large
conglomerate, it's private, we assume
Doctor Evil is the owner. The front
man at DE Empire is Number Two.
STEVE BALLSER
Number Two!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31.
PHIL RATES
Number Two!
DICK DICKSON
Number Two. We don't
PHIL RATES
Is there an echo in here? Dick why
didn't your boys know about any of
this?
DICK DICKSON
I don't know. We were surprised as
you were.
Phil gets up and shakes his head.
PHIL RATES
OK Dick thank you.
Dick leaves. Steve is looking at Phil.
STEVE BALLSER
What a Prick.
PHIL RATES
Who?
STEVE BALLSER
Dick.
PHIL RATES
What's Dick's a prick?
STEVE BALLSER
Yes. Phil lets get that man we had
for the company cruse to do some
under cover work. I bet he can gig
up some dirt of the Doctor Evil
fellow.
PHIL RATES
What cruse?
STEVE BALLSER
The cruse with software engineers,
you remember the one where we lost
our star developers!
PHIL RATES
Right, OK set it up.
DISSOLVE TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32.
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM -- AFTERNOON
Everyone is at the table. Doctor enters the room carrying a
bunch of newspapers he starts waving his hand.
DOCTOR EVIL
Please everyone stay seated.
Number Two looks around the table. Everyone is trying to
hold back a chuckle.
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil, no one was standing!
DOCTOR EVIL
Well you should stand when I enter
the room. I am the new hero of the
world. Here what does it say say.
Doctor throws the paper on the Table.
Frau Farbissina picks up the paper.
FRAU FARBISSINA
Let's see oil prices sore, thousands
laid off at energy giant.
Doctor Evil grabs the paper from Frau Farbissina.
DOCTOR EVIL
No. Here. It says Doctor Evil and
his new Operating System, Dresser
2004 saves the World. Not bad for a
kid from Shithall Kansas.
Number Two looks agitated.
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil may I get down to
business?
DOCTOR EVIL
Well the bathroom is down the hall.
(laughing)
OK, so how much money did we take
in.
NUMBER TWO
So far we have received 13 million
checks. We estimate when all is
said and done we will receive another
20 million checks.
DOCTOR EVIL
Well that's not too bad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33.
NUMBER TWO
Well it gets better. We are
automatically signing everyone up
for premium support for $99.00 per
year and we are debiting their bank
account now that we have all their
account numbers.
DOCTOR EVIL
What if anyone questions the debit
from their bank accounts?
NUMBER TWO
That's the great part. We will
explain that they will be assigned a
personal support person, if they
persists we will credit back the
money, but about 80% will never notice
or call. It's like when you buy
something at a store and the sign
reads on sale for 99 cents. But
when the item is scanned it scans
for $1.25. Most people will never
notice those who do are told it was
a computer error.
Doctor Evil has a confused look on his face.
DOCTOR EVIL
And there are stores that do this?
NUMBER TWO
Of course, all stores do that,
otherwise they would never stay in
business. We sell special scanners
to help stores charge more that the
advertise price. They sell like hot-
cakes.
DOCTOR EVIL
OK anything else?
Fat Bastard slowly stands up.
FAT BASTARD
You are not going to believe this.
Phil Rates as hired me to spy on
Doctor Evil.
Everyone in the room laughs. Doctor Evil makes a telescope
with his hands looking around the table. Everyone laughs.
Fat Bastard also makes a telescope with his large hands and
points it at Doctor Evil, who is across the table. The two
men look into their telescopes looking over every inch of
each other. Everyone in the room laughs more. Number two
is waving his hands trying to get folks to calm down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34.
NUMBER TWO
You know this is just the break we
need.
DOCTOR EVIL
What are you talking about? Having
Fat Bastard spy on me is the the
break we need.
NUMBER TWO
Look Doctor Evil, we can have Fat
Bastard tell Phil Rates that you
wish you had never tired to create
an operating system, and that you
wish you could meet with him to work
out some deal.
DOCTOR EVIL
Why?
NUMBER TWO
His confidences will go up, he will
agree to meet with you alone, Phil
Rates is never alone outside his
office.
DOCTOR EVIL
Oh I see when we meet then I can
kill him. Good I like, the SOB
deserve to die, look at all the
suffering he has caused the word his
crappie software he created.
Number hold his hands.
NUMBER TWO
No Doctor Evil we are not kill Phil
Rates, but you are going to kill his
ego. You will meet with him, put
him down, then the next day we will
dump more Microhard software stock
and the stock will really take a
nose dive. Fat Bastard this is what
you tell Phil Rates.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- AFTERNOON
Fat Bastard, Steve is with Phil who is behind his desk.
HALSEY HARLAND
So sir as you can see this Doctor
Evil fellow well he's blowing smoke,
so my advice is for you to set up a
meeting.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35.
STEVE BALLSER
Thank you Halsey, Phil do you have
any questions?
(Turning to Phil)
PHIL RATES
No, god job Halsey.
Fat Bastard leaves the office. Phil gets up from his chair
and walks around to where Steve was setting. Steve stands
up.
PHIL RATES (CONT'D)
I don't know, I mean if things were
going that bad why didn't some of
his people call us.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil, look this is our lucky day.
Doctor Evil doesn't know that we
know things aren't going all that
well for him, so if you call him up
now, you know on the pretense that
you want to see the rhetoric calmed
down. When we meet with him offer
to cover his loses and have him back
off.
PHIL RATES
So you think I should call him, or
should you set up the meeting?
STEVE BALLSER
I'll call this Number Two character
to set up the meeting, I'll call him
him now.
Steve picks up the phone.
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
Margie get Number Two on the line,
at DE Empire.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM AND PHIL RATES OFFICE-SPLIT
SCREEN DAY
Someone busses the intercom. Number is standing in the board
room Doctor Evil is beside him close to a speaker phone.
INTERCOM VOICE
Number Two is on line one.
Steve punches a button ont he speaker phone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36.
STEVE BALLSER
Number Two, hello, this is Steve
Ballser of Microhard.
NUMBER TWO
Hello, are you alone, is anyone else
on the call?
Steve winks at Phil.
STEVE BALLSER
No I am all by my self, anyone else
on your end?
NUMBER TWO
No just me.
Doctor Evil covers his mouth to keep the phone from picking
up his laugher.
STEVE BALLSER
Good. Look a nasty ad campaign is
going to cost us both money, I would
like for you and Doctor Evil and
Phil and I to have a private meeting,
you know to see if we could work
anything out. I think I can convince
Phil to meet with you folks.
NUMBER TWO
You know Steve, that's funny because
I was just thinking the same thing.
But Doctor Evil would want to meet
alone with Phil. I know how Doctor
Evil thinks. So If Phil is willing
to meet him alone in a public place,
say in Mighty Mac's House of New
Music, at well lets say 8:30 tonight
before the crowd arrives we have a
deal.
Doctor Evil is shaking his head yes, Phil is shaking his
head no he is very upset. Steve presses the mutt switch.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil, calm down!
Steve turns the mutt switch off.
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
Let me run this by Phil, if I can
catch him and I'll get back to you.
OK?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37.
NUMBER TWO
Steve, I can keep Doctor Evil's
schedule clear tonight for long, so
call me back within twenty minutes.
Good Bye
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- CONTINUOUS
Phil is upset.
PHIL RATES
Look I can't meet anyone by myself.
I mean what if ask me a question you
know I really don't have a clue about
anything.
Steve is trying to calm down Phil.
STEVE BALLSER
Look Phil it will be OK, it's not
the guy is going to kill you! We
will wire you so we will know what
is being said and I'll have the SWAP
team a block away. This could be
our chance, if they're worried we
can go in for the kill, just don't
seem too anxious, lets see what he
has to say.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM DAY
Number two is talking to the hands free phone. Both Doctor
Evil and Number are very happy.
NUMBER TWO
Good, Doctor Evil will meet him
tonight. Good bye
Number two turns to an elated Doctor Evil.
NUMBER TWO (CONT'D)
He going to meet you. I'll have the
signal busters setup. His people
will hear a fake conversion taking
place. Also I'll take care of the
SWAP team.
Doctor Evil looks very happy as the both leave the room.
DISSOLVE TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
38.
INT. MIGHTY MAC'S HOUSE OF NEW MUSIC -- NIGHT
Doctor Evil is setting at a table in a dimly lit bar. The
band is doing a sound check playing a few bars of their songs
that will perform later that night. Cautiously Phil Rates
approaches the table, looks over everything. His eyes are
looking around. Doctor Evil is becoming impatient that Phil
has not sit down. Slowly Phil takes a seat by Doctor Evil.
PHIL RATES
Doctor Evil, I am Phil Rates it is
good to meet you.
Holding out his hand.
DOCTOR EVIL
OK, enough of the nicely! So you
are the Phil Rates, the richest man
the world, maybe the universe. You
know I wanted to kill you but Number
Two said I shouldn't, Scott, my son
was all ready with the Mk14 I gave
me him for his birthday. Kids what
do you do?
Phil is not sure how to take what Doctor Evil is saying, he
thinks its some kind of joke.
PHIL RATES
Yes today's kids, I don't know, they
just don't want to work hard, they
want it and they want it now, they
hate any competition for their
affection, it's ME, ME, ME. I don't
where they get that from.
DOCTOR EVIL
Well like I told Scott why waist the
bullets, my idea was to drop you in
a cage with man eating penguins.
They kill you slowly, you know first
they eat your eyeballs, then they
eat your noise, well the fingers are
next, well you get the idea. But I
don't know if you are good enough
for my man eating penguins!
Phil is becoming upset, he can't figure out what to say, he
is waiting for his team to come rescuer him but little does
he know that they are hearing a quiet conversation.
PHIL RATES
You're crazy there are no such thing
as man eating penguins!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39.
DOCTOR EVIL
Yes there are! I did some gene
splicing, you know we took a man
eating shark and a penguin and well
we created a man eating penguin. I
have about a hundred of them now.
PHIL RATES
Why would you want to have man eating
penguins?
DOCTOR EVIL
Well it's the help, these days that
are, well how can I say it, you know
they are crap! So when they really
screw up into the cage they go with
the man eating penguins for a couple
of hours. Of course then they come
out of the hole minus an yes or noise
but I'll tell you one thing they
don't screw up again!
PHIL RATES
Really?
(pause)
Anyway could I buy some of them?
DOCTOR EVIL
No! Create your own. Look we are
not here to talk about the sorry
state of the help you hire. We are
here to tell you it's over. It over,
you're done, coputed, finished, washed
up.
Just then mini-me walks over to the table. Phil is shocked
as he first looks at Doctor and then Mini-me.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
Mini-me, this is the one and only
Phil Rates chairman of Microhard
Software.
Mini-me spits at Phil the spit hits his trousers at his
crotch.
PHIL RATES
What the hell, I am getting out of
here.
Phil starts to stand up when mini-me kicks him in the knee.
DOCTOR EVIL
You leave when I say you can leave,
not before.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
You know I can see it now, oh excuse
me, where are my manners, Phil Rates
this is Mini-me, he is a clone of
me, well we hadn't perfected the
process but I do rather like him, I
mean he would never suggest that I
use a bullet to kill you like Scott
my crazy son.
Phil is afraid and wonders why no one has arrived to rescue
him.
PHIL RATES
So what are you going to do now.
DOCTOR EVIL
I am going home, in a few months you
will be standing in front of the
Lexus Dealer begging for a few hundred
dollars to buy a bottle of Dom
Perignon. What I sight. You see
Phil, the whole world loves me, and
well I must say you brought this on
yourself releasing software that
doesn't work, terrible support. All
those updates. Oh well I will enjoy
watching your empire tumble and since
you may be working for me soon
remember what I told you about the
penguins.
Doctor Evil get up and starts to walk out. He turns and
looks a Phil one last time.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
You can leave now.
Phil just sits there for a moment or two, he is getting very
mad. Phil slams his fist into the table, then pushes the
table over and leaves.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- MORNING
Phil is pacing the floor, Steve is there his head is lowered,
Dick Dickson is standing beside Phil.
PHIL RATES
Ok let me get this straight, you
didn't here Doctor Evil threaten me
with man eating penguins, or the
clone who spit on me?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
41.
STEVE BALLSER
Look Phil we have been over this
many times. Doctor Evil must have
planted a something to disrupt the
wire that was on you, the only thing
we heard was casual conversion, You
know what I can't understand is how
he knew to broadcast the fake
conversions over the frequencies we
were using, or how he altered the TV
camera we planted. Even the three
people we had in the place did not
see what was really going on. Somehow
he knew what we would do.
DICK DICKSON
We must have a mole.
PHIL RATES
What?
DICK DICKSON
A mole.
STEVE BALLSER
Dick's right there must be a mole,
you know someone who is giving Doctor
Evil information.
PHIL RATES
I know what a mole is I am not stupid!
(pause)
But who?
DICK DICKSON
The way I see it you and Steve knew
about this so one of you must be the
mole!
STEVE BALLSER
Dick you're crazy! I had my girl
setup the security with your office,
so how do we know you are not the
mole.
PHIL RATES
So you think Dick is a mole?
STEVE BALLSER
Right now I don't know who to trust.
Now Dick get out there and find out
where the leak is, and stop the leak!
Dick leaves the room. Steve turns to Phil.
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
What a prick!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
42.
PHIL RATES
Who?
STEVE BALLSER
Dick!
PHIL RATES
So Dick's a prick?
STEVE BALLSER
Phil !!
PHIL RATES
Ok so what do we do now?
STEVE BALLSER
We need to run a hard hitting ad
campaign.
Steve goes over to the intercom.
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
Maggie, get Madison in her pronto.
PHIL RATES
Who's Madison?
STEVE BALLSER
Madison Ave, our adman, one of the
top admen in the country.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- LATER
Phil is fiddling with some stuff on his desk. Steve is pacing
the floor. Madison enters the office. He is a small very
thin mad wearing the three piece Brooks Brothers Suit.
MADISON AVE
Gentlemen, would you like that in
red or blue, you know if you care
enough to give give the best. Not
only that, you'll save first time
and every time.
STEVE BALLSER
Madison! Hold up, we need your help.
We have got to fight this Doctor
Evil fellow, I mean let's take the
gloves off, hit below the belt. We
need an ad campaign that frightens
people, I want to get a close to
malice as I can, without loosing a
lawsuit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
43.
MADISON AVE
OK, I've got it. We'll be on the
air in three days!
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. SOMEONE'S HOME -- AFTERNOON
Inside Joe's home Joe is watching TV but hears a noise. He
opens the front door to see what is going on.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
Joe sees a wrecker picking up his car. Joe runs outside.
JOE SOMEONE
What's going on? Why are you towing
my car?
The guy in the tow truck moves his head out the window.
TOW DRIVER
Hay, I've got orders to repossess
your car. You don't pay, you can't
drive.
JOE SOMEONE
I paid my car payment on my computer
last week!
TOW DRIVER
That's not what our records show
buddy.
The tow pulls off with Joe looking very angry and confused.
A car pulls into the driveway and a prim looking middle woman
with glasses approaches Joe.
PRIM WOMAN
Joe I am taking little Sara and
placing her in child protection. We
receive an Email that you are beating
her!
Joe is shocked!
JOE SOMEONE
That's crazy. I would never harm my
little angle. What Email?
The Prim woman hands Joe a note. Joe looks at the note in
disbelief.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44.
JOE SOMEONE (CONT'D)
That's not what I typed on my
computer! I typed that Sara had
beaten everyone in the spelling bee!
I don't understand.
Little Sara comes out of the house and the Prim Woman grabs
and Little Sara resists as the Prim Woman drags her off.
LITTLE SARA
Daddy don't let take me away, daddy.
VOICE OVER
Don't let this happen to you. If
you use a computer to pay your bills
or send email you can't afford to
take chances on a unproved Operating
System. Stay with Microhard, because
you know exactly what you're getting!
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The TV screen goes blank. Doctor Evil bangs is fist on the
table. Number Two jumps up.
NUMBER TWO
Doctor Evil, that's great. They did
just what I had hoped they would do.
Doctor Evil looks confused.
DOCTOR EVIL
I don't understand. What if people
believe this?
NUMBER TWO
Just give me a couple of minutes.
The phone beside Number Two rings. Number Two picks up the
phone.
NUMBER TWO (CONT'D)
Yes. OK. Good
Number Two hangs up the phone.
NUMBER TWO (CONT'D)
Doctor here is our response ad that
will be on the air within the next
hour.
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45.
INT. SOMEONE'S HOME -- AFTERNOON
Inside Joe's home Joe is watching TV but hears a noise. He
opens the front door to see what is going on.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
Joe sees a wrecker picking up his car. Joe runs outside.
VOICE OVER
Here are facts. No one has ever had
a car repossessed who uses Dresser
2004. No One!
CUT TO:
INT. SOMEONE'S HOME -- AFTERNOON
A young child age 10 or 11 is standing beside an male adult
who is is steed. They child looks sad. The adult looks
frustrated. As the camera moves we see they are looking at
a computer screen. The camera continue to move and we see
it is the Blue screen of death.
VOICE OVER
So why does Microhard lie? Why don't
they tell us about the thousands of
errors in their operating system?
Why don't they tell us about
frustration we have when we try to
phone for technical support? Tell
the Phil Rates and the people at
Microhard to stop lying. Call 1-800-
STOP-LIE and tell Microhard to stop.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Doctor Evil is elated. Everyone in the room is cheering
Number Two.
DOCTOR EVIL
How can we get that commercial on
the air so soon?
(looking confused)
NUMBER TWO
I purchased the time two hours after
the Microhard commercial ran. It
seems that folks in the Broadcast
Industry hate Microhard worse that
others.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46.
NUMBER TWO (CONT'D)
They believe Phil Rates will try to
take over their industry next. They
tipped me off when he made his buy.
We'll send the spot by satellite and
saturate the air.
DOCTOR EVIL
Well Number Two I hate to admit it
but you did good. Good job!
NUMBER TWO
Of course they will retaliate but it
will take them 5 or 6 days to get
another ad on the air. And wait
until you see our response to it!
Everyone looks pleased and the camera moves back with Doctor
Evil smiling.
CUT TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- AFTERNOON
Phil Rates is pounding his fist on his table. Steve and
Dick are watching his outrage.
PHIL RATES
How did they get a spot on the air
so soon? I'm tired of playing
softball. It's time to Kill Doctor
Evil.
STEVE BALLSER
Phil don't talk like that. Calm
down.
(pause)
You need to talk to our lawyer if
you are going exterminate anyone.
Steve goes over to the intercom,
STEVE BALLSER (CONT'D)
Get Al in her on the double.
PHIL RATES
Who is Al?
STEVE BALLSER
Al Screwyou, our corporate attorney
and your private attorney. We hired
him from the firm of Screwyou and
Wiggle. If you plan on killing anyone
you need to talk to Screwyou first.
Al Screwyou a large slight overweight man in his fifties
charges into the office
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
47.
AL SCREWYOU
Al Screwyou, now we can get to the
bottom of things. Gentlemen, and I
use that term loosely, what can I do
to you today?
STEVE BALLSER
It's this Doctor Evil character, we,
well need to see that he is
eliminated. Do you have any
suggestions.
DICK DICKSON
I am not sure I should be hearing
all of this.
PHIL RATES
Shut up Dick!
AL SCREWYOU
Dick you're always popping up where
you are not wanted. But you better
stay because we need you.
DICK DICKSON
OK but I am not taking the fall on
this one. Screwyou this your idea.
AL SCREWYOU
OK, what we need to do is call in
the Eliminator, Arnie Schwarzenejjer
the number assassin according to the
latest New York Times- CNN pole. If
anyone can kill Doctor Evil it is
The Eliminator!
STEVE BALLSER
So how much is this going to cost?
PHIL RATES
I don't care what it costs. I want
see Doctor Evil's head on a silver
platter!
DICK DICKSON
OK I've heard enough. I don't what
to know the details. Good-bye!
Dick leaves the office.
AL SCREWYOU
Look I have the Eliminator here before
the end of the day, and now Gentlemen,
and you too Phil if you will excuses
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
48.
AL SCREWYOU (CONT'D)
me I'll get to work right after I
fill out my time sheet.
CUT TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- EVENING
Phil and Steve are seated. The Eliminator pushes in the
door and the large door crumbles like a cupcake.
PHIL RATES
Arnie would you like to seat down?
The Eliminator is angry. He grabs a chair and throws it
though the window and and grabs Phil by the neck and lifts
Phil him up.
ELIMINATOR
Don't call me Arnie! Understand?
The Eliminator puts Phil back on the floor.
PHIL RATES
I am sorry Mr. Eliminator I didn't
mean any disrespect.
(Going back over to
sit behind his desk)
So tell me how will you eliminator
Doctor Evil?
The Eliminator looking around the room.
ELIMINATOR
I would like to arrive in an Apache
Helicopter with six of my best men.
Then we would blow up the walls a
rush the compound killing everyone
in site until we found Doctor Evil.
Then I would like to make him hold
an explosive and watch him as he was
blown into a thousand pieces.
PHIL RATES
That sounds great. When can you
start?
ELIMINATOR
Like I said I would like to do all
that.
(pause)
But with the new guidelines for
private assassins I can't!
PHIL RATES
That's terrible. What guidelines?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
49.
STEVE BALLSER
That's right the government has poked
it's nose it the assassin business.
ELIMINATOR
It's almost enough to make a person
want to run for public office!
(pause)
But don't worry at lease I can still
kill him and I will.
PHIL RATES
Great. When?
ELIMINATOR
As soon as I am paid.
PHIL RATES
How much?
ELIMINATOR
Fifteen person of the Microhard stock
now and another ten percent when the
job is completed.
STEVE BALLSER
What? That's highway robbery!
Phil!
PHIL RATES
OK it's a lot of money but it will
be worth it.
(pause)
It's a deal. I have Screwyou transfer
the stock.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. DOCTOR EVIL'S BOARD ROOM -- NIGHT
Doctor Evil is alone in the board room. He is working on
his computer. At the other end of the room the Eliminator
quietly moves making sure he is unseen. Doctor thinks he
hears a noise, he looks up but the Eliminator hides and
reminds unseen. Doctor returns his attention to the computer.
The Eliminator moves closer and draws his gun. Just then
Doctor evil looks up and see the Eliminator.
DOCTOR EVIL
You're late!
ELIMINATOR
Sorry they were working on the
highway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50.
DOCTOR EVIL
Well that's no excuse, they are always
working working on the frigging
Highway.
(Upset)
So what did you get?
ELIMINATOR
Fifteen percent of the stock!
DOCTOR EVIL
That's great!
Just then Scott comes into the room.
SCOTT EVIL
Oh man that's it! Look is it OK if
I kill my best friend Roger, he just
asked Lilian to the Monster Tractor
pull!
DOCTOR EVIL
Young man don't come barging in hear
when I doing business! Beside you
know the rules, you can only kill
one person per month so Roger will
have to wait!
SCOTT EVIL
That's not fair! Your stupid rules
don't make any since. Why can't you
be like other dads.? My friend Tom
can kill as many people as he wants!
Scott storms out of the room.
DOCTOR EVIL
Kids!
ELIMINATOR
I know, it's not like the old days
when you could punish a kid by
chaining them to a stake outside.
But it's just a phase he is going
through, in a few years he won't
care if he kills anyone for months.
DOCTOR EVIL
So tell me what happen.
ELIMINATOR
You owe me ten bucks.
(pause)
I threw the chair out the window!
DOCTOR EVIL
Get out of here!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51.
ELIMINATOR
It scared the crap out of him. Then
when I picked him up my his collar I
think he messed in his pants! What
a smock!
SKIP TO END FOR NOW
Skip to the end for Now.
Skip to the end for Now.
Skip to end for now!
INT. SEA ATC AIRPORT TERMINAL -- AFTERNOON
At the arrival area of the Sea ATC airport a young large
bust women with a very low cut blouse and a very short skirt
is watching the passages as they walk pass the restricted
area. The women see Austin Powers and runs up to him.
WILLU LICKME
Austin Powers
(Pause)
Willu Lickme?
Austin looks surprised as he checks the young women out.
AUSTIN POWERS
Well yes, but not here, I mean not
in a public place baby?
Ms Lickme looks confused.
WILLU LICKME
You are Austin Powers? I'm Willu
Lickme. I'm from the publishing
company and I'm going to take you to
the TV station.
AUSTIN POWERS
Oh, forgive me I thought you wanted
me to
Just then a airport announcement drowns out the rest of what
Austin was saying.
AIRPORT VOICE
Fight 69 from Spokane has just touched
downed.
Willu Lickme is confused because she did not hear all that
Austin had said. She shakes her head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52.
WILLU LICKME
What?
AUSTIN POWERS
Never mind. I am too tried anyway.
Do I have time to go the hotel and
rest for a bit.
The two are walking toward the baggage area.
WILLU LICKME
No, the show is live in less than
three hours and Larry wants everyone
in the studio one hour before air
time. But you are on first so after
your interview I can take you to
your hotel, but you should wait around
I believe the local press will be
there to talk to you.
Austin is upset and shakes his head as a Limo driver greets
them and motions them out the door.
CUT TO:
INT. TV STUDIO DRESSING ROOM -- EVENING
Makeup people are working on Austin. A producer is pacing
the floor.
TV PRODUCER
Mr Powers I am so glad you are on
our show tonight. I gave copies of
your book to everyone I know, of
course not my wife.
Austin nods.
TV PRODUCER (CONT'D)
I mean she already left me once before
for another women!
AUSTIN POWERS
Oh!
TV PRODUCER
Well let's see I have everything you
requested. Do you want something to
drink now?
AUSTIN POWERS
No man, I am too tired, you know I
don't want to fall asleep during the
hour that Larry is interviewing me!
The TV Producer look confused.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
53.
TV PRODUCER
Mr. Powers you are only on for the
first 10 minutes. Larry is
interviewing Doctor Evil.
AUSTIN POWERS
Who?
TV PRODUCER
Doctor Evil, you know the great man
who who destroyed Phil Rates and his
empire Microhard.
Austin looks boarded.
AUSTIN POWERS
Sorry I don't follow Polities here
in the States. So who is Doctor
Evil anyway?
The TV Producer hands him a copy of Time Magazine.
TV PRODUCER
Here you can read all about him. He
was voted man of the year. A lot of
people hope he will run for President.
(pause)
Maybe I can arrange for you to meet
him.
AUSTIN POWERS
Oh that would be cool! I have never
meet a man of the year.
CUT TO:
INT. LARRY KING SET -- LATER
Larry and Austin are seated. A copy of Austin's book is on
Larry's desk.
LARRY KING
So Austin what's next on your agenda.
AUSTIN POWERS
Well I was hopping to take Ms. Lickme
back to my hotel room.
LARRY KING
Well I see we are out of time, the
book, a best seller, worldwide 'How
to Really Pickup really Horny Chicks
who will Shag Your Brings Out'
published by the Vatican Press.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54.
LARRY KING (CONT'D)
(Pause)
Now don't go away, when we return we
will spend the rest of our hour with
the most beloved man in America,
Doctor Evil, voted Time's Man of the
year, and at last count there were
42 states with active committees to
Draft Doctor Evil for President. We
see what he has to say about this an
other topics, and we will include
your calls. So stay where you are.
TV PRODUCER
We are off the air for 2 minutes.
Austin shakes hands with Larry and leaves the set. He and
Doctor Evil cross paths as Doctor Evil is walking to take
his seat. The two look at each other.
CUT TO:
INT. TV STUDIO DRESSING ROOM -- LATER
Austin is sitting in a chair and Willu Lickme walks into the
dressing room. Austin looks up at her.
AUSTIN POWERS
Hay baby how did I do?
Willu Lickme puts her arm around Austin and her partially
exposed large breast cover the front of his face.
WILLU LICKME
Oh Austin you send chills down my
back Oh-Oh- Oh my god just caressing
my face is Oh.
AUSTIN POWERS
Hold on Baby.
Austin pulls her back.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
I had a long hard, very hard flight.
How about something to drank?
Willu Lick me shakes her head yes. Austin grabs two large
highball glasses and goes over the mini refrigerator in the
room and pulls out two beers and one V8 juice. He pours
some beer into one glass and then pours some V8 into the
glass.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
OK baby, I'll sample the drank first.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55.
Austin takes a slip and then start preparing the other glass.
He looks up at the TV monitor where Larry King is Interviewing
Doctor Evil. Austin drops the other glass he was pouring.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
Oh my Good it's Doctor Evil. You
better run for it.
Austin pushes Willu Lickme out the door.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
Help!
Two Television Station guards arrive at Austin's room. They
enter the room and seeing the glass with the beer and V8
each a gulp. They hear Austin cry for help again so they
run down the hall after him to see what the trouble is.
GUARD
What's the trouble Mr. Powers?
Austin is running toward the room where Doctor Evil and
Larry are at. The two Guards run after Austin.
AUSTIN POWERS
That's Doctor Evil, I've got to stop
him!
Austin runs into the set. There is total chaos on the set
as Austin grabs Doctor Evil.
CUT TO:
INT. THE STUDIO SET -- CONTINUOUS
AUSTIN POWERS
All right Doctor Evil. It's over!
LARRY KING
Austin What's the problem That's
Doctor Evil the most beloved man in
the country!
The Guard who drank some of the mixture realizes who Doctor
Evil is and draws his gun.
GUARD
Larry Austin is right. That man is
Doctor Evil he tried to destroy the
world. I don't why no one remembers.
Austin eyes roll around. He notices the guards mustache is
damp.
AUSTIN POWERS
Wait a minute! Someone bring me my
glass. Now!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
56.
Someone arrives on the set with what is left in Austin's
glass. Austin gives the glass to Larry.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
Here take a sip.
LARRY KING
Well OK.
Larry takes a sip of the brink and his eyes almost pop out
as he looks at Doctor Evil.
LARRY KING (CONT'D)
Austin you are right. That is The
Evil Doctor, Doctor Evil.
(pause)
What's in the drank that let me
remember him?
AUSTIN POWERS
Let's see.
(looking into the
camera)
Yes, take 6 ounces of beer and 2
ounces of V8 juice. Now everyone
must mixup that drank now!
Austin turns to Doctor Evil.
AUSTIN POWERS (CONT'D)
Well it looks your plans are spoiled
again!
DOCTOR EVIL
I wouldn't be so sure. I didn't
arrive here alone.
Just then mini-me walks into the set carrying a very large
Ak14, the gun is almost as big as he is. He throws Doctor
Evil a very small pistol. Austin looks at mini-me and then
Doctor Evil. The guard drops the gun he had pointed at Doctor
Evil. Austin turns to Doctor Evil.
AUSTIN POWERS
Why is his bigger than yours?
Doctor is upset he points his gun at Austin.
DOCTOR EVIL
Size doesn't matter! You of all
people should know that!
(pause)
Now enough of this. Austin Powers
do you have anything to say before I
kill you on National TV?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
57.
AUSTIN POWERS
I don't think the votes have been
tabulated yet! Beside you would
never kill me tonight. The final
episode of Survivor is on, no one is
watching us.
DOCTOR EVIL
You're wrong! The final episode of
Survivor was last week! We have a
huge audience!
AUSTIN POWERS
So there you go, what about all those
witness even OJ's lawyers couldn't
get you out of this one.
DOCTOR EVIL
I don't need anymore frigging lawyers.
You see after I kill you I plan to
eliminate everyone.
(Looking at Austin
then into the TV
Camera)
You see I have a satellite and from
now on for 24 hours a day, seven
days a week, 365 days a year the
only thing on radio and TV will be
the WrestleMania 2001. People will
go crazy after just a few days.
AUSTIN POWERS
Well I for one like WrestleMania
2001, It was a lot better than this
year! I don't believe
DOCTOR EVIL
Shut up! And now you will die.
Austin throws the glass in is hand at Doctor Evil knocking
the gun out of his hand. The guard jumps Mini-Me and takes
the AK 14 out of his hands. Doctor Evil pushes the desk
over and runs for the door with Mini-Me right behind him.
Just then a large black Hummer limo bursts into the studio.
The large lettering on the hummer says Evil-mobile. Doctor
Evil and mini-Me jump into the limo that speeds away.
CUT TO:
INT. INSIDE THE SPEEDING LIMO -- MOMENTS LATER
Doctor Evil and Mini-Me are seated. A panel raises from the
floor. A big red button with lettering 'Launch Me'
DOCTOR EVIL
We've got to get out of here fast.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
58.
DOCTOR EVIL (CONT'D)
Buckle up, or as my nemesis Austin
Powers would say, Click it or Lick
it Baby.
Doctor Evil pushes the button and the seat starts shaking
soon the back on the limo is launched into space.
CUT TO:
INT. LARRY KING SET -- LATER
Larry is trying to composed himself. Someone speaks through
a speaker
VOICE OVER
We are still Live.
LARRY KING
Well what a night. Austin Powers
you are new hero of the world. Thank
You.
(Pause)
Anything else you have to say?
Austin moves closer to the turned over desk.
AUSTIN POWERS
I am just a spy, catching evil people
is what I do best.
LARRY KING
Hold on, the Producer just told me
we have an overseas call on line 2.
Let's see who it is.
(Larry press the button
on the phone.)
Hello caller you have a message for
Austin Powers.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Hello, can you hear me?
LARRY KING
Yes you are live on the air. Go
ahead.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin this Basil, are you OK.
AUSTIN POWERS
Nothing that five minutes with Willu
Lickme can't fix.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Yes, OK, it's is you. Good show.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
59.
BASIL EXPOSITION (CONT'D)
Austin I just got off the phone with
the queen,
AUSTIN POWERS
Basil this is live Television you
know you should be a little more
discreet about your orientation.
BASIL EXPOSITION
No Austin, I am talking about the
Queen, your Queen. Anyway the Queen
has issued a Royal Degree Ordering
you back into the service of Her
majesty Spy service. So I expect
to see back at M1 right away. That
is as soon as you finish with Ms
Lickme.
Austin is elated.
CUT TO:
INT. INSIDE PHIL RATES OFFICE AT MICROHARD. -- CONTINUOUS
Phil and Steve are watching. Both are very happy. Phil
removes a file from his desk and hands it to Steve who looks
at it. Steve smiles and shakes his head.
PHIL RATES
That was close, no we can resume our
plans.
STEVE BALLSER
Nothing ca stop us now.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S EVIL SPACE SHIP -- CONTINUOUS
Doctor Evil is shivering as he watching his monitor.
DOCTOR EVIL
I don't get it, Phil Rates gets to
stay there and carry out is diabolic
plans and I'm stuck here in frigin
cold space, where the justice!
FADE OUT:
THE END CREDITS